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Sweet Boroughs

O sweet boroughs of intoxication!

A kid drops his first blunt, passing out and gently shitting himself in the Bronx

Irishman welcomed ashore with Ketamine in Queens – later he'll be fighting

The weed of Brooklyn, the kegs of light backyard beer across Staten Island, all wanting

That vomiting girl, eighteen? nineteen? drunk on well vodka

Fouling a chaise and her skirt on the Lower East Side, O Manhattan

O New York!


--Steve Kilian
Gilligan's Island Poem
Impaled

The Putt Putt: World's Best Mini Golf, Holes 1-9

Hole 1

“Scotland Green”

Handicap: 2 strokes

A long narrow single green with two small hills as obstacles. On the second hill a young woman sits weeping, a potential distraction to the player.

Hole 2

“The Windmill”

Handicap: 4 strokes

A large model of a windmill block the entryway from the first green to the second, with it’s spinning sails. The windmill pumps water from the greens into the adjacent pools. There is a hole in the dike, which the player must plug with his or her finger while putting and attacking the windmill with his or her club. When the windmill is dismantled, both greens will begin to flood, hampering the player’s accuracy.

Hole 3

The Membrane

Handicap: 6 strokes

The first green is submerged in one foot of corn syrup. Biologically engineered goldfish swim through the corn syrup creating slow currents that move the player’s balls along on their course. There are a number of openings in the aquarium where the corn syrup flows into a solid wall of tree sap at the base of a miniature.

The players either hit the ball into the sap or atop it, where it sinks in. Both ways the ball is submerged. After millions of years the sap hardens into amber, and the amber from the ball is cut from the block, polished, and mailed to an independent evaluator, who prices the amber golf ball, and sends it back The Putt Putt. The ball is delivered via a Rube Goldbergian system of wire tunnels and transportational devices, onto the third green of this hole, a conventional circle of Astroturf with the flag-hole and one small hill as an obstacle.

Note: Place this one close to the refreshment area.

Hole 4

The Temptation

Handicap: 3 strokes

A long single green with traps of sand and water on each side. A rich figure dressed as Satan offers the player one thousand dollars to write down six strokes and move on to the next hole. This offer should be refused and the hole can be easily completed in two or three putts.

Note: Some cynical players might view the one thousand dollar temptation as too enticing, and may be willing to throw the hole for the sake of the money. It is a depressing indicator of a society in decline. Those wicked souls that do should be paid in gift certificates to the Putt Putt, which will take them an onerous number of visits to fully redeem and, of course, subject them to “The Temptation” countless times. .

Hole 5

“The Labyrinth”

Handicap: 3 strokes

A row of holes leads to a system of tubes that deliver the player’s ball to the second green. Inside the tunnels is a tiny robot Minotaur. There are large spoons of yellow thread, which a player can wind around his or her ball in case it gets stuck in the Labyrinth, in which case they can be pulled back out. After the ball comes out onto the second green, it is scooped up in a basket attached to a system of pulleys by fine crafted wax wings. The pulleys lift towards a large incandescent light bulb suspended over the second green. As the wax wings melt, the baskets spill the ball onto the green, where another putt or two should complete the hole.

Hole 6

“Iraq and Afghanistan”

Handicap: 6 strokes

Sounds of recorded applause play when you exit the first green into the second, a series of sand traps and rock obstacles.

Note: Players may loose a number of balls, and they may purchase new ones for a small fee. The Player may have to start over in the first green and in fact his or her ball may never have left, only been forgotten. This hole may drag on and on with no end in sight. Place close to the refreshment area.

Hole 7

“The HealthCare System”

Handicap 1 Stroke

Players who have purchased all day passes may play this hole, others will have to take the detour to the emergency hole, the price of which will be deducted from the all day pass holder’s credit cards. Non-pass holders may play this hole, but will be billed until they have no money left, and must foreclose on their homes. There is a wave shape in the first green, which must be navigated to get to the second green, which has a small hill for an obstacle. There is also a hospital.

Hole 8

“Jack and the Beanstalk”

Handicap: 5 strokes

There is a spinning green beanstalk in the center of the first green, with broad leaves spiraling up the stalk into the cloud layer, which contains the second green. A player climbs a spiral staircase to the cloud layer, while a leaf scoops up the ball. On the second green the player is threatened by giants who sing infantile poems and try to eat the player. There is also a robot cow on the first green, creating obstacles with its metal hoofs. Puffy cloud shapes function as hills.

Hole 9

“The Masked Ball”

Handicap: 6 strokes

Everyone is disguised. The playe must guess who the player’s allies are, and who are the player’s enemies, but the ball attendees keep changing faces. The player can trust no one completely. And what is the answer to “The Second Riddle of The Second Sphinx?” The Ball is transported by envoys through back channels finessed by black-market bribes. As the player climbs the unspoken chain of command, the net tightens around the player in a suffocating game of layered deceits. There are two hills, one large, one small, and a water trap.

--Dan Kilian

The Ghost of Ford Talks to Obama

The Billion Dollar Omelet

The Atomic Adventures of Jack Keruac

--Jack Feldstein

The Adventures of J.D. and The Rye Guy

James Bond's Bad Day

BLAAAHH!!!! Blaah blaaah blaaaaHHH!!!

The Public Option doesn't go far enough. There should be 100% coverage for all citizens and residents under a tax-funded socialized medical system. Health care is like water treatment, childhood education, police protection, and fire departments: one of the responsibilities of a civilized society. More: it is a human right.

But what about all the inefficiencies and paperwork of a government-run bureaucracy? Another good point -- I've got to fill out three forms every time I turn on the tap. Oh, wait a second -- I don't have to do that at all, because it's a government service paid for by taxes. I also don't have to present my fire insurance card before the firemen get to work on the building burning down around me. Health-care related paperwork is largely an artifact of the insurance companies, who would be out of the picture in a socialized system.

In fairness I'll give the republican town-hall-crashers a chance to rebut: "BLAAAHH!!!! Blaah blaaah blaaaaHHH!!!" This is such a depressing commentary on the state of political discourse in this country, and reflects how far the party of Lincoln has fallen. It is now quite clear that the GOP is a cadre of corporate stooges, cynical to the core and disdainful of their constituents. The rural poor get screwed repeatedly and then wave a flag and vote for the guy who did the deed*. Baffling.

Here's how health care in America should work: I cut off my hand by accident. I put the hand in the fridge, call 911, and pass out. I wake up as paramedics scan my implant and check the on-board medical history with the file they download from the secure government server. It's a match, and now they know that I'm allergic to aspirin and Fentanyl, have borderline high blood pressure, have a standing DNR and organ-donation request in the event of persistent vegetative state, and that my next of kin is reachable by mobile phone. Not present is my insurance ID number, because I don't need one.

The dispatcher calls Nancy while the field tech gets the hand from the fridge. Unfortunately he doesn't realize that the concord grape sorbet was only in the fridge to soften up a bit, so it's completely melted when I get back from the hospital.

They load me up with a type-matched transfusion (they know my blood type from the chip) on the way to the hospital. The monitors in the ambulance are synched real-time with a case file that has been opened at the hospital, and an operating room is waiting when we pull in to the emergency bay.

The anesthesiologist has been monitoring my vitals remotely during the ride, and she's ready with appropriate dosages of all the fun stuff. I chuckle the whole way down and wake up after what seems like only a few seconds. It's tomorrow, and my hand is reattached.

After a few days in the hospital we have a consultation to see how much longer I should stay. There have been regular MRIs to check the healing process. The doctor thinks I should stay for another week and do PT in the hospital. Nancy and I want to get out of there as soon as possible to avoid the possibility of infection. Our appointed Patient Advocate understands both points of view, and we collectively agree on three more days, with daily visits from the physical therapist at home for the next three weeks, and weekly for six months thereafter. I'll have checkups at an outpatient clinic near my apartment every three days, scheduled around my workday. Any numbness, redness, sudden swelling, or anything that seems off -- call 911 and the reattachment specialists will be automatically contacted once I give my name or my chip is scanned.

Three days later I go through the discharge process: I go to central processing, put my implant against the plate, and my updated history is downloaded to the chip. A sheet is printed out with a description of the meds I need to take and the contact info for the various follow-up doctors, nurses, and adjunct care professionals. Then three plastic bottles of pills drop into the slot, sort of like a soda machine. My first month of prescriptions have been filled, and the next month's order will be automatically processed and sent in the mail three weeks later.

After 18 long months of recovery I have regained about 75% of the function of the hand -- better than nothing, and they think it will continue to improve over the next few years. Then I get a bill from the hospital. I open it with dread, thinking about that long stay immediately after reattachment. Sure enough, there it is: the charges for the pay-per-view movies.

Thirty bucks. Damn.

--Steve Kilian

*I know this is a crass generalization, and that there are plenty of principled people who vote for republicans for a variety of reasons, but I'm all worked up and furious. Probably weakens my argument, but I know I'm not going to change anyone's mind anyway.

Let's Get Sick

Myths of Health Care Turned Into Lies

The Pink FLame vs. The Green Whore-Net

--Dan Kilian

End of Conflict

Firemen II

Maureen Dowd Guest Column

Klog is proud to have brought on Maureen Dowd as a regular columnist. She’ll still be writing her columns for the New York Times, but she’ll be posting them here first. It’s a big feather in our caps. Thanks Maureen!

With the dog days of August upon us, it seems that Barack Obama’s in the dog house with the voters. His numbers are sinking, and he’s got to jettison the public option to keep his Health Care plan afloat. I wonder if he wishes sometimes that Hillary had won. I know Hillary’s got to think she could do this better. Hillary’s got to be pissed off all the time. God I hate her.

So, what else is going on? Mad Men had its season debut the other day. I’d try to tie that in to politics, but Frank Rich already devoted a huge column to it.

What else have I TIVOed? Hey, it’s the 30 Rock with the guy from Mad Men. Liz Lemon tries to show him what life is like if you’re not beautiful. I bet Hillary would love to show Obama what it’s like to not be beautiful. There’s something she could understand. Stupid Hillary.

Let’s see, what else is on? What’s on TV now? News, news, naw.

Ooh! It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia has a new season! Oh, that was just a commercial.

Sometimes I just like to watch the What’s On Channel and watch the channels scroll by. It’s very relaxing. Maybe someone should show Hillary the What’s On channel so she could relax. She’s so uptight!

Hmm….let me check my word count. Nope, it’s not a column yet.

Yankees are winning. Looks like they’ve got it together. Derek Jeter is like Obama, A-Rod is like Hillary. Steroid using cheater!

Oh look, the Shamwow guy is selling something else!

Flip. Flip. Let me check my word count again…

Did it! Another prize-worthy political humor column!

--sent to Dan Kilian by Maureen Dowd

Maureen Dowd: Lust American Style

Bono Op-Ed